me, just playing around

that free spirited girl

Personal Style Blog transfer note:
Officially moved to fashionnutcase


Tons of changes coming this's keeping me busy and often off of the net these days so just e-mail me whenever on the email address at the bottom of this post.

The most personal posts are on friends only mode so...

....just comment on this post to be added to the friends' list, thank you! I don't do random adding anymore.

*****It's not hiatus or semi-hiatus anymore. I just really go online as necessary now and remaining somewhat impersonally so.*****

E-mail me at:

me, just playing around

two zero one seven

This might be the gloomiest yet of new year's we're having. 2016 didn't end right. It took away a significant number of artists/celebrities like George Michael---whom I've been depressing over for weeks now---from this world. 2017 is even looking murky if we're going to go the US politics angle: Donald Trump's inauguration people are hoping to be delayed until further notice or better yet, cancelled...and even our local politics in the Philippines isn't looking any good. Then there are other things... Even personal life for a number of us are likely not going well. Mine is one of those...

But still...2017. Hello, there, year of the Rooster. There are a few things going on well for this year despite the gloomy ofsets mentioned previously and briefly above. One, Da-iCE is having their Budokan live in T minus...3 days. I wish I was in Japan for this but alas, I am not and I don't think I'll be able to get tickets for it unless I had locals from there as connections to get me them anyway. All the other Avex groups I stan are going strong: AAA, despite Ito Chiaki graduating March of this year to name one. I'm sure there are a few others...

2017 Resolutions?
I've stopped doing new year's resolutions since a year or two ago. They don't really work or hold up too long. I think that if one wants to change one has to do it in his/her own time and not count on the occasion that comes up: the new year for instance. It seems just trendy and pretentious if done that way.

New Year, New Planner
If there is anything new I have physically or in mind every new year, it's this: a DIY-ed planner. This year's is from a 100-peso notebook. Quite a steal and I like the cream color it comes with as well. I'm impartial to the cover design as I very rarely drink coffee nowadays but contents-wise---regarding the number of pages it has---it's pretty enough to be a planner, journal and everything else notebook in one. Here's what it looks like inside...
....because I was lame while making this, I ended up writing 2018 thinking it was 2018 and superimposing the 7 over the 8 instead to correct said mistake.
I might have succeeded in turning the first few pages into some sort of custom magazine with pictures of some people that inspire me...stuff culled from an old issue of Seventeen that's the local version. Yes. That is, until I ran out of photos and magazines to cut them inspirational stuff from. I'm still hesitant to cut some stuff from old Vivis, a Cancam, a Sweet and british, australian and american Vogues, an a Elle, Teen Vogue, Nylons and one french Jalouse. I should probably look into stocking more back issues of stuff I missed to see some editorials and other clips I really like to add to this planner, journal thing in one. The page after the monthly table is, yes, designed to be a moodboard of sorts. So, on a monthly basis, I'll be doing mood boards on an empty page before the monthly bulleting of stuff to do and stuff I think about begin.

Something tells me this planner will be coming with me everywhere I go this year. Last year or rather, I think, two years ago, I used a leather-looking pocket-sized notebook to document stuff including homework and errands to do. It came with me everywhere too, considering how miniscule, microscopic and handy it was. This year, it's just this one. Oh and last year, I also never really finished filling up the flowery covered DIY-ed planner so let's wait and see if I get to fill this one up this year. I don't really think I'll have much activities this year anyway, apart from blogging on the personal style and lifestyle blog on an almost daily basis, that is.
Now, if there are pages with these carton-like things with stuff written on them...they're from the Christmas gift I got from my brother: a box full of advices for the day. I didn't know much what to do with them so I ended up pasting them on the planner to see if they can inspire or motivate me better... This remains to be seen but I highly doubt it'll actually inspire and motivate me. The phrases I copy off of @sosadtoday seems more effective in making me move forward or something however depressing they may be.That twitter feed's content seem to be the story of my life so I find the stuff written there and copied to this planner more effective in moving me any way possible...err...say, emotionally and psychologically.
So it seems the 2017 planner is off to a good start.

personal style and lifestyle blog
I'm picking up where I left off with this as well. Somehow. The lull is still there after the long-ish vacation but I'm managing. I'll be doing this almost daily so yes...hello 2017 and work where vainy (?) blogging is concerned.

And I'm too lazy at the moment to update on other things. I'll probably do a fandom post of epic proportions a few days or so from tonight. I haven't really been updating on the tumblr/s much either but I have been around twitter for a while...occasionally tweeting on some of the holidays.

I do want to take a sabbatical from a lot of things. The family, the house, the web---which, unfortunately includes a sabbatical from blogging---but especially social media and just people in general. It's not the I'm suicidal sabbatical-type because I'm not suicidal, it's just the I want to hermit-sabbatical type for, say, give or take a couple of days or three or so. I want to be somewhere where I can't grab hold of the laptop, the mobile phone and even the tv. I want to be somewhere where I don't run into family and some friends as well. This might be impossible as I am in my hometown/homecity rather but we'll see...hmn... I've come to the realization that I don't really like people that much. I'm an introvert and a clinically depressed and socially anxious one who hasn't sought any professional medical help so I feel like I kind of need this kind of sabbatical to find myself and just reconnect, or at least piece myself together again. I haven't been myself for a year now and this is the second of it, counting and it's concerning especially to me when this clearly isn't me at all.

Oh well...that's about it for updates and new year's greetings. Hopefully 2017 gets better as it progresses but I'm not seeing it that way...much.

me, just playing around

nov 22 2016 music reccs

I didn't mean to drop off the ends of the earth while constantly, read: almost daily (?), updating the personal style blog... But anyway, yes, I've been more active there and on tumblr lately aside from posting stuff on twitter from time to time... In case y'guys want updates from me anywhere, those accounts of mine are your best bet.

Music Reccs
The reason I'm updating this blog is due to this, yep, shiny new-ish music recommendations that really aren't new if you are situated in Japan. They're new to me, though, as I've just discovered them recently...well, around this year anyway.

  1. 1Finger - my first brush with them was thanks to the ending (ED) theme to Kamen Rider Ghost x Kamen Rider Drive Chou Movie Taisen Genesis. They also appeared in Chou Eiyuusai 2016 and sang this track there so it was...pretty much instant love for me with this group. Urban Japanese pop always gets me and they're that kind so that led me to search for more of their stuff online. Well, there was their record: One Dream 2 I found googling around. While the ED to the tokusatsu movie for Drive and Ghost wasn't in this one, it's still worth it for: サマラバ☆, Dawn Night, Try Again and ヤシの木~Sha la la~. That's half of the total number of tracks they have on the record which isn't bad for a group of this kind and my being into them.

  2. CREAM - unfortunately, this duo takes time to release stuff on a yearly basis. Reason being they're writing for other artists as well. Case in point, they wrote for V6, which Jyanis stans might be more familiar with. They also write for Namie Amuro, ICONIQ and m-Flo among others.Their last releases were back in 2014, roughly two years ago but that same year, they released an album and a summer mix. If you want an EDM sample of what they can do...basically what they're really top notch at, the Summer Mix 2014 is so worth it. #nofilter, the album released that year, is everything good however. I had to just overlook their more somber, slower tracks from there as I found the tracks in #nofilter were a mix of sorts. The first I came across this highly talented recording and song-writing duo (made of 2 people: rapper, track maker Staxx T and Minami) was Wonderland via the Avex youtube channel. I don't remember what I was doing then before I came across this one...possibly was disenchanted from what I heard from Bridget. Hmn...yep. Cream is topnotch in providing people with really good, danceable Jpop tunes of the urban, hiphop variety with a mix of damn good EDM/deep house backing sound. A lot of their original tracks are summer appropriate hence why I recommend their Summer Mix 2014 release. They're so good I stopped wondering why they made it to iTunes Japan's top 1 when their first record dropped...this is according to their english wikipedia page anyway.

It took me eons tonight to look for these records but there are working download links for these laying around, just use google as a platform to search for those and you're good to go...that is, if you're interested in seeing what these two groups have to offer to the avid candy jpop with a tad bit of urban, hiphop thrown in the mix audiophiles.

Both groups are signed by Avex... Which is, like, yay! to me because I'm relieved I didn't have to stray farther in search of such groups anywhere else because...well...I'm already an Avex groups'/artists' fangirl to begin with. If you get what I mean. And it's fun to know they're in the same crowd as the better songwriters including the White Jam Family.

Anything else I should add? Ah...other pop culture stuff...nah. There's not much to divulge. I haven't been doing anything much outside of net surfing, shooting for the ebay account and the personal style blog and well, youtubing from time to time because stuff come out there faster than anywhere else where jpop is concerned. Yep. I haven't been watching anything worthwhile for a long while now so there's that, too. I haven't yet seen the more recent episodes of KR Ex-Aid but I'm following it, definitely. In a nutshell, it's the same old-same old...? I guess.

Enjoy the music-filled night then. I need sleep. :|


It's kind of ironic I'm posting here in the first place when I'm constantly on flail mode, music-wise on twitter and tumblr... If you want more music reccs etc from me, yep, those two sites are your best bet on where to find those are. I'll do movie and tv series reccs from time to time...just time to time since I haven't been much of a film and tv series buff as of late as much as I'm being a music buff... well...yes.

I'm still thinking about making a Christmas jpop music playlist. It's still just all in the head at this time. I'll eventually get to it later. Well...later. much, much later, then. o/
avex, Sasaki Kazuya, Yamaguchi Tomoya, Nakayama Yuki, SOLIDEMO

some random-ish updates

Enlisted the surrogate sister's help in bleaching my hair for the second time since two or three weeks ago or so. This is now what it looks like:

I didn't want to tone it anymore to another color with color creme I still have from HBC (it's the golden blonde one) but hopefully it'll look better as weeks pass with the continued purple shampoo and conditioner usage. I'm definitely due for another bleaching session in the coming few more weeks to a month, somehow. It hasn't quite reached the dirty yellow-ish/blonde color I've always wanted to have. I'm actually pretty much out of bleach on stock however. Yeah, need to buy 'em probably next week or so.

This toner---given to me by the original hair colorist who'd helped me with the first bleaching and coloring late last year---mixed with regular shampoo + conditioner (I'm currently using the minty anti-dandruff Guard at this time) or just conditioner is what I use to get the orangey/reddish shade out of hair and to keep it less brassy. I usually just shampoo every 2-3 days. I'd condition often if I had leave on conditioner, however. In this case, lotion seems to do fine as makeshift conditioner...the hotel ones work fine. That and coconut and/or olive oil. Coconut oil is better. I've been advised to use It's a Ten's spray thing but I don't have the budget to get it regullarly so...yeah, that's about all I do with my hair at this time, pre-bleaching and post-bleaching. I'm still looking forward to the day I'm achieving the dirty blonde I'd been hoping to get, however. By then, my hair will probably be way too damaged but yeah, idk either. I'm not really fond of my original jet black hair to begin with...

The above part of this post is for taketherings (or @freshpatatas on twitter).

Other news...Human Heart Nature dealing matters
As per my @kg_0917 twibbon, yes I am a social entrepreneur dealing Human Heart Nature stuff now so if y'guys want to order stuff from me or with me, I'd gladly give you 5-10 percent off of the original selling prices. Or you know, just nominate you as an end shopper or something close.

I actually signed up to be a dealer just so I could avail of their discounts and promos and because I'm such a Human Heart Nature stan, I guess, I use mostly their products on a ton of things. Haha.

Feel free to browse their shopping site here: Human Heart Nature and email me on the address given at the sticky post above what you guys would like to order/buy and those in the same area I'm in, Cagayan de Oro or around these parts at least, have the option to meet up with me to get their items and pay for those cash on delivery (upon meet-up) or just deposit the total cost of the items on my BDO cashcard (account details of which I am going to send to you via email correspondence). I'll do an accounting before hand by then either way so you'd know how much you're paying for, for the items before sending the amount to my account.

And...I am cutting stuff off here for this post. I have something on my mind I'm going to post about here that I'm planning to make a separate post for. Some things have been bugging me on the socio--political realm particularly now that US elections is neigh. I'm not in America nor am I an American citizen who can vote in their elections there but a lot of things about this US elections cycle is pretty...hmn...concerning/worrisome. Yeah, everything on this I'll expound on in another post. Maybe tomorrow, maybe on Sunday, I don't know yet.

Later then.


my choice of literature rn

I don't recall the last time I've ever read a good book. Magazines, especially fashion magazines leafing through is a daily constant however. Vivi and Nylon are eternal favorites of mine. I'm looking to owning some French Vogue, Swedish Styleby and Australian Russh one day, too. I'm definitely getting pickier lately with what I put in my bookshelf as I am with what goes into my shoe, clothes and accessories collection. It's a thing that happens when one grows, I guess, especially with someone who went through and still goes through multiple phases like myself.

Lately, my tastes in literature or rather, books, I noticed, is becoming a hybrid of my esoteric stuff-loving early-, mid- and late-teen years (this is marked by my, at the time and possibly until now, The Craft cult film of the 90s and 90s cult tv series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed obsessed self) and pop arts and culture-loving early-, mid- and current late-20s. I know. I'm pretty weird. I don't really get it either and this is me looking into myself here. I came into this realization browsing through UrbanOutfitters' selection of books online. Here are a few things I'm currently thinking of having/owning:

Astrology books. Astrology is something I find fun and I don't even dwell a lot in the daily newspaper's and monthly fashion and lifestyle magazines' horroscope pages. I'm of the school of thought that believes that astrology, especially those deciphered from one's natal or birth chart shouldn't be used to divine things in life, rather knowledge of the meaning of one's natal or birth chart should be a guide to navigating, surviving and actually living life. I'd like to learn more about Astrology. This might've started since I read stuff on it on ohnotheydidnt.

Bonus points if the astrology books are written in the language the appoximation of those found in children's books with fun and possibly somewhat dreamy illustrations to match. I'm a simpleton (simple minded someone) and I can only really take niched topics' words/technical stuff one at a time.

Whimsical spellbooks and wicca. Assembling my own wiccan altar in the room and DIY-ing my own Book of Shadows is still really at the back of my mind. I'm admittedly a witch in (lifetime) training, wanna-be fairy scum.

Dreams and dreaming. Freudian psychoanalysis for literary criticism is outdated to me (I don't agree with his psychosexual theories either) but I have weird dreams in the REM state from time to time---it's not really helping that I'm already weird based on my tastes like I love horror, everyone else of the same gender as me that I know of avoid it or hate it---so this could be helpful to me.

General esoteric and new age literature. I'm mildly interested in the tarot. Apothecary is basically Hogwartian potions making/class in the real world. I'm familiar with both from random everywhere online readings. I'll take anything as long as it's esoteric and new age in real time, however.

Understated classics. I still don't have Joseph Campbell's book on Mythology and that one is supposed to be the bible for us, myth and legends stans/enthusiasts. Seen it a few times in National Bookstore chains and even Fully Booked however. And my choice of literary drug as of late is anything southern (mostly US/America) gothic. Yes, Faulkner. And yes, everything Edgar Allan Poe. The latter's compilation of everything still continues to escape me and I keep seeing it in NBS, too. I don't mind new-to-me southern gothic writers' works, though. I was able to discover a good one via a Clnt Eastwood film, The Beguiled. As with most southern gothic films (I'm also a massive fan of southern gothic/evocative, highly creative and supernatural-y/beyond the natural noir, slightly sleazy [the american southern way] genre of films), this is based on a book of the same genre. I found it on Amazon while randomly doing a search of it there after having finished watching the film on Cinemax one time.

I also don't mind literature with detectives and crime stuff in there. One can never have enough of Sherlock Holmes after all.

Locally...I'm a stan of Dean Alfar and Nick Joaquin. Magical realism or South American literature is a weakness of mine that flared up since having read a lot of these in class while a post-graduate literary studies student (masters). Dean and Nick, the latter deceased, are known magical realism writers in our locality. Check out their works if you're into these as well. A lot of their works are indeed superior to those of regular Filipino writers'.

Classic children's literature that aren't just for children. I've outgrown most fairytales but I like the odd weird but fun and inslightful children's books stuff especially if they're classics like Where the Wild Things Are that has been turned into film at one point. Someone borrowed my last copy of The Little Prince (Les Petite Prince) and never returned it to me. Tsk.

Warhol, pop art and southern californian (surf and skate) photography/coffeetable books. I'm a pop arts and culture whore. I think my tastes in music already give justice to that. This one crosses over to my art-loving self as well. And I'm also obsessed with Kate Moss's photobooks from Amazon.

I'm a fan of the classical painter Van Gogh but if I ever wanted photobooks and such of classical painters' works, like maybe an ancient arts book, encyclopedia of some sort...? Hmn...probably not so much. I appreciate the classics and am thankful for them for paving the way for what is now pop art however...I'd rather really focus on the now and therefore pop art, urban photography etc because they're so much I guess. And so much more inspiring in my book.

Simplify your life books. I'm still thinking of getting that Marie Kondo book as well, yes. Bibles to simple, minimal living and de-stress-ifying oneself is a dire need for me. I already have one from one of the couple of Booksale branches here titled The Art of Doing Nothing. Old but great find, really.

My end goal for this is basically to have a cleaner, clutter free surrounding with me being able to live on just the things I need especially in the wardrobe department. Lol. Also, as a seasonal depressed someone who's likely suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression (it isn't severe, I think) and social anxiety, I need the coping with stress, really relaxing coffeetable-ish book things.

Vegetarian, vegan cookbooks/lifestyle guides. I am pescetarian but about 99.9 percent vegetarian at the moment. Not only am I weird but neurotic as well. I also comb the magazine bins of every Booksale around I find for vegetarian, vegan magazines and yoga and running/fitness magazines from time to time. Never really walked out with anything I found from there. I'll get some maybe next time.

Anyone thinking of gifting me pieces of literature because some really good friends who do for Christmas and the birthday for instance, can take a cue from this list to figure out the kind of literature I'm into.

Seriously speaking, though, I'm quite easy to brighten up or please when it comes to gifting stuff to. I like stationeries a lot so cute and dainty letter sets, notepads and notebooks are fine with me. I have this odd fixation with varied notebooks and notepads I can't really figure out with myself. I turned one I bought from Daiso into a planner I shunned somewhere and haven't been using.

And...of course, magazines. Fashion magazines. Even if they are back issues of Nylon and/or British, Australian and American Vogue...and even Teen Vogue I probably have already.

Gifting me books is a little bit tricky however, especially if they're fiction ones because I'm really picky when it comes to modern day teens, young adults novels and stuff. Most of the time, I just really prefer the classic stuff like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings (anything Tolkien?) and a few others. I don't read The Hunger Games (it's too Battle Royal-ish for me), 50 Shades of Gray, Twilight series (though I do have an off/on love for Kristen Stewart...I'm a bigger Dunst fan/stan) and...err...A Song of Fire and Ice (or however that thing goes title-wise...I forgot, haha). My top 3 genres of fiction are so far: southern gothic (US/American), crime/detective/police procedurals (light novels in Japan that are all about this are amazing, I daresay...I've come across a few already [those that are english translated]) and magic realism/South American literature. I also like horror since some southern gothic fiction works have a bit of horror in them.

Non-fiction...I like some travel coffeetable/photobooks (bonus if it's of Japan or maybe even Hong Kong) and/or guidebooks and then there's the oddball Patti Smith stuff. I already have her Just Kids book thanks to a Booksale branch I went to. I think that was Robinsons Dumaguete's. As to the travel guides books stuff...I've been leafing through my dad's book on Ankor Wat (Cambodia) and his Seoul, South Korea guide book. The latter I'd been doing as I've been thinking of going to Seoul for a random visit. Just to see whatever is there. I'm usually not a fan of South Korea and China as far as east asian countries go. Hong Kong, Taiwan and the south east asian countries: Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam and Singapore (and my own, Philippines) are my favorites. I'm also liking Laos and Cambodia somehow.

Activity books... I noticed there are a lot these days cropping up but I'm pretty much crap at sudoku...really hopeless. Crossword puzzles puzzle to the point of frustrate me especially while in the middle of completing those in newspapers or so. Connect the dots is interesting but I think mazes stuff are so much more fun. I like the latter as much as I like board games. And I'm lukewarm to a lot of board games. I think they're fun to be done with really cool good friends. Ah...word finds are more my thing. I used to have a couple of those from a relative I ended up completing a month or two after getting them. The large print kinds. I've been traumatized by coloring books or rather a hybrid of that and random creative artistic activities book thanks to Bo's St. Art: A Coffee + Creativity Journal a friend helped me get thinking it would be a good idea to have one. I do like visual art but the only thing I can ever do with a pencil or a pen and a piece of paper or notebook is doodle, do some random anime drawing/sketch that comes to mind and even more pointless doodling/writing. I'm more of a crafter and piece-together-things-er. Coloring...I'm not very good with handling colors, to be honest. Even my wardrobe palette is pretty much the usual earthy naturals err...shades. Black, white and grey being the most dominant. Pops of color is the only thing I can really tolerate although visually, especially in some whimsical published piece, I'm fine with as long as I don't get required to actually put color myself in them. Haha. I've already outgrown these kinds of activity books, I think. So it's pretty dicey and pointless giving me anything like them unless maybe it's the word find kind. You'd probably be better off giving me a blank notebook I can do something else with, somehow. Plus they're way more affordable/cheaper?

I do try to catch up to modern day novels now and then. Children's, young adults and adults alike. Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar is in my periphery at the moment but I haven't really gotten around to acquiring it and reading it. I'd like to watch the Tim Burton film of it, however. I like Tim but not really a huge fan. Just...I like him and his works, I suppose. Also, I'd like very much to see how Asa Butterfield fares as lead in the film as a good friend on Twitter has mentioned him to me a few times while flailing on the recent X-Men film release. I'm not entirely sure yet what to think of the gothic-ish young adult stuff in the book store shelves I've been seeing others like my one bibliophile cousin buy (on Barnes and Noble for instance).

When it comes to fiction literature/books, I could be pretty much a modernist, too. I am mostly a modernist in everything from music to art to yes, literature or soon to be literature anyway. Even if I've mentioned in the above paragraph that I'm picky with my choice of modern books, I actually do read some new releases now and then. I still have the Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars book series uncompleted on my bookshelf at the moment and I've been meaning to complete them by way of ebayPH or some other. Haha. I like my modern day stuff a little bit trashy but more...err...girly than supernatural-y or horror-y. I don't know, I'm not really that much into today's writers' foray into the classic global myths and legends I'm so into as many a times have those been butchered for me in fictional writing. Sparkly vampires in the Twilight series that are also vegan? thanks.
Anyway, yes, it's sunday and it's a quiet day at home thing for me. Dad is still in Camiguin island or he's probably on his way home by now. I'm bummed he went and didn't bring anyone (me /cries) along. He could've just left me in Ardent Hot Spring while he went mountain climbing in Mt. Hibok-hibok.

Yeah, well, I want to go to the beach or any beach and/or pool resort. /cries. It's still hot most days although it's been raining here and there. The rainy season is here and it's time for my seasonal depression to kick in and it's been the case for awhile now. Even a staycation at a local hotel here would be fine for me. Heh. I need some good contents for the main fashion and lifestyle blog somehow. I've been toying with the idea of posting from Monday to Friday or even until Saturday, outfits I come up with on a daily basis...possibly up until December this year or January next year. We'll see. I don't really know either but I'm trying to be more active there lately. The weather should cooperate somehow, however. :( It rains in the afternoons when I am scheduling shoots. :|

And until the next post then.

cutie~, nakayama yuki, crushie~

fandom talk, where i've been lately and a random personal style/fashion talk

So who got the memo I'm once again active on tumblr? I've been queueing posts there on the main visual inspiration/motivationblog and the flailing/fangirling blog incessantly the past few days. The second has now officially become a straight tie-in to the flailing/fangirling twitter now, through and through wherein I only often post on AvexJP stuff with the occasional EDM/deep house/tropical house music stuff from time to time. I got tired of the incongruence in stuff between my twitter and tumblr accounts I decided to just merge the two now because I'm lame and lazy like that. But yes, I'm now rather catering to AvexJP fans there like myself mostly...both the flailing twitter and tumblr accounts, that is.

But don't worry, I've been keeping tabs on some j+kdrama from time to time, still. I'm currently watching/keeping tabs on Oh My Ghost (a funny/pretty entertaining/intriguing kdrama) on TVN. I just don't really blog on whatever drama I'm watching anymore lately. I often forget them later on anyway. I havent been much of a drama fan as of late nor have I been watching the Kamen Rider series that replaced the recently capped Kamen Rider Ghost. I never even finished KR Ghost. I haven't seen any full toku since Kamen Rider Drive ended, to be honest. I did download Tokikake with Takeuchi Ryoma there but I haven't seen an episode of it either...and I think I have the subs for it already, too. I watch Till I Met You when I catch it but it airs late so I hardly do, really. I'll probably just get the DVDs or something one day. Films or movies...I haven't been to the movies in a while. There was the failed plan to watch Train to Busan with the best gal pal earlier but yeah, it's an epically failed one so we never made it to actually watch the thing on the big screen. Haha. I want to watch Miss Peregrine which is already out but I don't think I'll like watching it on my own these days. orz. Also, I haven't really read the book for it. (Although I've been the type to watch stuff on film first before hunting their books down and actually sitting down to read them most times...) I do have a lot of backlogged 90s film stuff to watch. The list is pretty long: Leon the Professional, a rewatch of The Fifth Element just because, and a few others including a more recent indie pop musical film release, God Help the Girl. I still have to look for a decent copy of the Age of Adeline. I haven't been watching any tv series either and I'm very behind Super Girl, Arrow, Gotham and the Flash. But I watch marathon episodes of You're the Worst and Brooklyn Nine Nine on JackTV when I catch them there. Anime...I just downloaded some of he recently released and subbed episodes of Digimon Tri but I haven't really gone through them yet. I'm also thinking of getting into Tamako Market and its succeeding movie. I caught an episode of it on Animax and found it cute or something but thought of just downloading its episodes and movie and watching it on the far, I haven't done anything close to that yet. And Ihave to unload stuff from this computer too before that happens. Yeah, all I have time for lately is just watching Atsu x Haru TV (あつはるTV) on and keeping tabs on the AvexJP biases' releases so I've been all about music more lately. I've been wallowing on SOLIDEMO's Orange single for a while now since acquiring a copy of it a day or two ago. Orange is my current post-summer bop as it keeps me sane through the dreary, rainy days. It should join Da-iCE's Paradive somewhere up there somehow. orz. I don't think I can stomach anything fall/winter-y anything this latter half of the year as it's too depressing for me to even stomach/fathom/think about. I'm a sunshiney summer denizen of the islands. Haha.

With that out of the way...yes, where have I been this week and last week, exactly? Nowhere much but a cat cafe a bff since high school and I visited and spent 20 minutes in with the really fluffy cute cats they have there. It's a newly opened cat cafe with a name that's quite long I ended up not committing it much to memory. LOL. All I know is, I've been eyeing the place since time immemorial, like since they placed a sign outside their cafe's name that they were opening soon. And it's right across the credit cooperative bank, FICCCO thus making it just a few minutes ride on the local motorela from the house.

Anything else and anywhere else I've done and been to...hmn...I did go to the second day of the novena for the feast of the Virgin of the Pillar. It's Zamboanga City's patron...saint or something so people who were there are my dad's folks as he's originally from that city. Families in the Circulo Zamboangueno that participate in the novena and the feast after it take turns hosting the food for its participants on a daily basis, at least until the offical feast date. Yep, I guess it's officially the start of the festive half of the year. I'm not really feeling that much festive, however. The later half of the year is often the most dreary and depressing for me (I suffer from seasonal depression apart from the undiagnosed clinical [not too severe, however] depression since time immemorial) and it makes me want to escape to somewhere else sunnier and funner somehow.

fashion/personal style talk
Festive season-wise, my wardrobe is sort of prepped for it. The thing is, I'm just not really feeling festive? The only thing I'm looking forward to at the moment is Halloween and I have plans of posting an outfit/sort of cosplay thing on the main lifestyle and personal style/fashion blog on it sometime this month. I already have a rough idea who (hint: it's someone from a film I so love, also, a Hong Kong-made film) I'm dressing as even if I have a lack of something white footwear to go with what I have in mind yet.

I don't think I have anything really festive in my wardrobe to embody this season's...well...thing, apart from my fairy white dresses from the white anonymous stash and maybe some maroon, dusty pink, some weird mint green, really pale yellow and dusty blue stuff. My black and white stuff apparently now outnumber the amount of other colors I have and I've long since phased out the purple fanaticism from there, too, somehow. It used to be my favorite color and now it's my least favorite color just because... It's also my grandmum's favorite color.

Nope...I haven't really done any productive shopping in eons...say maybe since a month or two ago and even prior to that, my last shopping for clothes, shoes and stuff was around May. I'm likely also keeping away from shopping...somewhat impulsively anyway. I just really windowshop more nowadays to keep myself from having to spend a lot of what money I have left. I also really just make do with whatever I have in my closet. Haha. And I rarely update the thing---like a 1-2x update of it a year is often enough for me unless there's one or two random trips to the local thrift stores that could prompt me to get a few things randomly should I find something I like there. I mean, you do get what I'm saying, right? Yeah...confusing still so I don't think so. Haha.

And in relation to fashion talk...yes, I'll probably work on opening shop somewhere for those I meant to sell anyway. I have tons since I've been trying to downsize on the amount of clothing and stuff I have in the wardrobe. I just haven't worked on any of those postings yet...haha. Yeah, I'll get to it soon. I'll probably do ebay (Philippines), re-open the tumblr selling blog and likely keep it open that way and crosspost stuff on either sulit or olx or something. I'm just currently working on getting better photos of the...well...stuff.

Anyway, I am double posting tonight because I feel the next post warrants a post of itself somehow. Haha.

me, just playing around

indecisions that stall life and then more showbiz news

And I ended up not really applying for anything yet because I'm indecisive like that but I do know I need a job soon to be officially adulting although that isn't something I'm really good at. I mean, I'm not at all good at adulting, that is. It's just that something came up yesterday while I was browsing the net randomly and found a brand of clothing with a philosophy I can actually get behind with like that of Human Heart Nature's. I guess retail is it, for me, rather than the usual office-type jobs like online tutoring. This brand, Straightforward, as of August 29 this year has been looking for an in store fashion consultant for here and Makati (if I got the job, I'd very much like to be stationed here, for now, at least). I think I don't really mind working in retail and sales, I might end up having to go home late since work like this, especially in-store, tends to get their employees to finish work late (malls close at around 7-8 in the evening here for now, in the weekends, they go until 9 in the evening even or worse, 10) and there's no off days unless it's the holidays where even malls are closed (the weekends of the holy week and the new year). But then again, I don't really know so much about what I'm in for should I be given this job or qualify for it. So who knows? I might be let out early to work on blog stuff on fashionnutcase on an almost daily basis or something like it. Either way, I haven't really sent in my resume yet but it's been spiffed, beefed up-ish and ready to be fired away by email to the address the careers page of the site said to email it to, along with a link to my fashion, lifestyle and travel blog so...yeah. We'll see.

The metro is too dang stressful for me and chaotic and the beach from there is just so far away you'd have to take a really long drive down to wherever (Camarines Sur area or somewhere farther south or the opposite, even high up north to Dagupan and even the Batanes group of islands...) I'm probably crossing off the Human Heart Nature Digital/Social Media Marketing and stuff job off my list of dream jobs in the marketing, sales and retail department. I haven't even mentioned how the traffic in metro up there is crazy. Zalora is also looking for in store fashion consultants like that of Straightforward's but it's on contract basis. I don't mind but again, it's Makati-based and I still don't really like the idea of living in the metro, at all. When it comes to cities here in the Philippines, Cebu City is so far my max strength or tolerance level, at the most.

Off whatsoever and yet still in the same topic, it's kind of funny my mother mentioned when the cousins were here from Saudi Arabia with their 'rents that I once mentioned, when I was a wee toddler, that I wanted to be like the lady next door---a retail employee at a mall, most likely a supervisor of a certain department of it. I find it funny because, right now, I'm actually leaning towards that career choice at the moment.

Staying in a cubicle and working on papers, I think, is something fine for me if I have the weekend off but the office-based tutorial job has weekends off but it's shifting, so...yeah... Frankly, I just want a job that allows me enough time for myself to do stuff I'm interested in like fashion blogging and it's so difficult to find one like it. Originally, I wanted one that would allow me less contact with people as too much people contact usually drain me by the end of the day but granted the tutoring job and this in-store fashion consultant job is all about meeting with people and being around them a lot, actually talking to them on a daily basis...and originally, I did quit my freelance writing job for a change of pace and I guess I have really no choice but to suck things up and do whatever, even if it means I have to say, prostitute myself, fake it so people think I'm actually a very outgoing person just to continue to survive this life and earn much more than usual. Either way, my end goal really is to be able to live on my own stuff (say, maybe a business of some sort since I fancy the thought of owning my own boutique for one, which is a fusion of things) and just, I don't want to stay employed by someone else, some company for years and years to come.

Once again, I'm not really a good role model for young ones to emulate so teaching doesn't seem to really be for me although it's my main undergraduate course. It's also my post-graduate course. I actively avoid it until now no matter the lucrative salary offer. Something about it just so isn't me somehow. I don't really know either.

So in a nut-shell, I'm kind of in a crazy self...thing right now with indecision plaguing me among others so yeah. Life. Then again, it's no surprise everything for me has always been crazy erratic...I mean when we're talking about life and career in general. I've always been flighty whatever the aspect in life and will probably remain so even then. I've grown attuned to this erratic, crazy life I'm leading somehow I don't think anyone can understand what it's like unless they're as crazy as I am.

My mum said when I had my birthday just recently (I don't have the habit of saying how old I am yearly because most of the time, like time itself, I want to keep age and numbers out of sight and out of mind---typical for flighty, young at heart, not really adult-adults like myself---ages but a number to us and it's really just a number among other things) "I hope you'll be more responsible." ....and I don't think I'll ever be really responsible. I can be when needed but in my own time, like now? Hell no. I'm a wild child and a free one even if I'm more of a hermiting homebody than anything, really. I'm still the restrained wild child but I'm going there since I don't know...I'm eh...just boring but sort of, of the free and wild variety. I mean, I think you know what I mean or what I'm getting at here, do you? Yeah, I really don't either. Haha.
Instead of mulling things over last night as I planned to, I ended up flipping over pages of a Vivi mag I have by the bed and then sleeping thereafter, at 11 in the eveing. It was way too early for me but eh...hardly mattered now. I guess I was too tired overthinking stuff and well...stuff.

On the upside, I woke up to news on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorcing. They're far from my favorite Hollywood couple (and deep inside, during the whole Jennifer Anniston-Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie thing during the Mr. and Mrs. Smith era---never really watched the movie but eh, whatever---I was definitely pulling for Jennifer so I was basically teamJenn back then and until now, just by a bit only) but I wanted to see how the people on Oh No They Didn't reacted to this one, so yeah, I'm currently lurking on there this morning. I opened the page, linked to me by a close friend and confidant on Twitter (thank god for like-minded people in my life~ I love you, kat_desu~ [@catisneko/@katistooamused on twitter] <3), to find there are now 50+ pages of comments on there to sift, scan or skim through. Ah, ONTD, you never disappoint me especially when it comes to the point where I need something to amuse myself from breakfast 'til brunch. Really, I'm not too invested in this couple. I'm also surprised people were actually rooting for them to last when they know nothing really lasts ong in tinseltown/Hollywood. The only Hollywood couples I like at the moment are Sarah Michelle Gellar-Prinze and Freddie Prinze Jr., Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling (plus their now-two baby girls because they such an adorable family not getting papped much~ The more private the hollywood couple, the more I like them, actually), and Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas.

I actually low-key stan some celeb relationships/couples but only really if I like the two involved in the relationship personality-wise or maybe if there's just one of them I like. As for Brad and Angie, I like neither, personality-wise but I'm willing to be objective about some of the films and stuff they've made over the years. Then again, I'm not usually a fan of mainstream movies so I'm usually meh over their movies---past movies like Angie's Girl Interrupted and Tomb Raider, I guess I could get behind, but I haven't been a fan of the more recent ones unless they were/are really, really good.
(my screen shot)
Seriously this, though?!?!?! LOL and RIP CNN's credibility as an international household name for everything important news.

Oh and by the by, the headline today on ABS-CBN's TV Patrol news program on the Jolie/Pitt divorce case is 'walang forever' (lit. translation: 'there is no forever' or 'forever doesn't exist'). And I'm like, you know, it's Hollywood. It's not surprising for that to be the case there. I quickly sort of noped out of the news program downstairs as I've been drowing in Delima and supporting senators vs Duterte, Cayetano and supporting senators are quickly becoming too messy for me to take and follow. I'm aware this would make me look like I'm cold and unconcerned about local politics but seriously? I don't really like politics all that much. It's...messy and chaotic by far. I care more for social causes and issues than I do political issues, to be honest.

At least Atsuki (a-X's) update on twitter is adorably relieving enough to take my mind away from all the politics on television/the local news. That one is good tonight. Also, I was totally just geeking out on the 3 to 5-episode marathon of season 2 of Brookly Nine Nine's on Jack TV tonight prior to the national news program on tv. So, so fun~ I'm definitely coming off as a couch potato on here now but it's really no suprirse either I'm like that. lol.

girl, backless white dress, I want this dress

hair and beauty stuff; being an anti-establishment someone; No Filter; and fandom

The struggle to go blonde from jet black continues to be a struggle.

Just had my hair lightened with white hair bleach (L'oreal's blue bleach is much more ideal for dark asian colored hair lightening) and then toned with HBC's Hortaleza Golden Blonde color creme the night before yesterday. Impossible to get L'Oreal's Quick Blue here as it's really not available anywhere else but probably in the States. I so wish we had Sally's here like they do in California but alas, we don't so resorting to whatever cheapie find there is in the local market here is what I've ended up doing. Thank heavens for that hair and beauty supplies store I am now likely to frequent by Pabayo and Hayes Sts. Their bleach for about just 75 Php comes with a developer already. All you have to do is mix the powder they have in a really small container with the 2 parts of developer they already offer in the small plastic cup (it is capped, of course, for safety and all) and your bleach is ready for the hair roots touch up whatsoever. But in my case, I found their plastic container quite small so I'm going to transfer everything into a wider plastic mixing bowl on the next bleaching session before mixing them well. I suspect the reason the bleach and developer didn't work on my hair before was because it wasn't mixed that well. The roots had already grown really long from the last color session I had last December 2016 so I thought it was the right time for a touch up. I'm pretty lazy with keeping the hair in the color it's been bleached and dyed with so at the moment, it looks like I have the coveted ombre hair. The top part is a darker brown, the lower part is a lighter brown that's veering towards blond. Thing is, it's really just two-tone.

I've been aiming for a really light blonde, more like dirty blond for a while now and it's a tedious and long process so far. I should be due for another bleaching process in a couple of weeks from now. I'm just letting my hair rest for a while from a couple of nights ago's foray into white bleach powder bleaching (redundant, I know) and color creme toning. The picture above is the end goal of this whole damage-your-hair-with-bleach-and-color process I'm undergoing and so obsessed with at the moment. So far, very minimal damage has been done to the hair and weirdly, it still feels as soft as ever but probably not as much as my old, thick-y natural jet black, as I doused it with 2-3 drops of coconut oil right before the bleaching and the toning. I use the Jeremy Russel purple dye thing with a shampoo and conditioner but do not shampoo as often as I used to, so yeah. Dry shampoo helps, too. If you don't have it or the funds for ready made/manufactured ones, there's always the alternative of diy-ing it with baking soda and some other thing. Homemade stuff for hair care etc...I usually go to the freepeople blog for those. They have really cool stuff there from time to time.

If I can't do another bleaching process in two or three weeks because the bleach is weak again then I'll go and do a bleach wash or bath once a week starting the week after this or the next instead. It might be cheaper and more time effective that way to maintain a lighter than usual hair color and to go from a darker color to a lighter one from there. I don't think I can subject the already highly damaged tips of my hair to another bleaching and coloring process in a short period of time as to a couple weeks to a month again after this or the next two weeks'.

Due to the amount of bleaching and toning, with semi-permanent to permanent creme color no less, I'm looking to invest on probably Human(Heart)Nature's Salon Care conditioner one day and their hair serum...if I can't, since it might be overkill to get the sunflower hair serum when I have Sunflower Oil luxe from them from Saturday's purchases after their magalogue launch I joined in for the first time that day, I'll use just that. I'm also considering their hair mask but that and the Salon Care conditioner might be pretty overkill especially if you're using the former as a conditioner as well. It should minimize my expenses and keep me from wandering off to try and purchase that sort of hair mist with keratin from Tresemme I've been eyeing on the Zalora shopping site for awhile now---there's the Sunflower Oil Luxe from HHN so why bother with this, exactly? Usually, I just diy almost everything lately, anyway, as I am a huge fan of...hmn...oils. A mix of carrier and essential oils (with coconut oil as the main carrier) has been my go-to moisturizer and lotion with HHN's sunscreen has been daily routine for me before going out. It saves me from buying lotions on the market that aren't vegan and etc. My dilemma has just recently been where to get my oils since even coconut oil here is difficult to find unless you went to the local fairs where local products producers display their stuff for marketing purposes. I see them there at 150-200 Php per 200-500 mL bottle but it only happens once or twice a year so even that is bust at acquiring the coconut oil I need. Cold pressed coconut oil is also difficult to find somehow but I keep about one to two online suppliers in my contacts list bookmarked for those so...yeah. It makes life so much easier for me as a wannabe vegan, mostly vegetarian-pescetarian someone. Sunflower oil of any sort is available at HHN so I use that for most things with coconut oil. HHN really should invest on that one, too, as coconut is native and endemic to us here in the tropical region. Lately, it's also my favorite fruit or something like it. Coconut water is just, love.

Ah, as a fan of Human(Heart) I've decided to be a dealer. I became one awhile ago this year because I seem to purchase a ton of things from them and use them a lot but in no way does that one limit me to just using HHN stuff on a daily basis. I still love discovering chemicals-free, organic, vegan stuff in the market all the time and some of those that aren't but still are pretty good. I like their advocacies for one. This dealership was really just meant for personal consumption but it seems there are a few others who love their products as I do so I don't mind being the channel to which you guys can acquire them at a pretty affordable price than usual. So if you need someone to give you stuff at discounted prices from HHN, feel free to contact me by email (it's on the sticky post above) or on my fangirling/flailing twitter. Direct messaging me on the latter would be preferrable. I could nominate you as an end shopper or just give you a 5-10% discount on their stuff directly.

Anyway, so far, that's it for my hair and daily sutff recently. Haha. I just felt like sharing because I'm pretty new to experimenting with the hair from December 2016 and it seems to be sticking now even more. I'm still pretty reserved in doing whatever to my hair at home and out, for fear of damaging it further than it already has been and to me, and walking around with orangey hair is just not an option. It's too scary to do so, so experimenting with the hair with guidance of what I read and watch about it upon researching on it online and offline is my way to go where hair care, coloring, bleaching and stuff is concerned. I'm not a hair care expert so this is the least I can do. I just really avoid going to the salons so much as those we have here aren't as good as those abroad (especially in Japan for one) so yes, this is the only alternative for me. I cut/trim my own hair at home so I don't really go to salons...I'd probably only go if I needed it layered but even layering for stylists there seem to be bust it's annoying. They just don't really know how to make a certain hairstyle fit your make and such, it's frustrating. Also, it's a shame for the price they offer their services for.
No Filter for the Millenials by Millenials
Mum beat me to reading Summit's recent published piece of modern day literature, No Filter. It's contents are pretty interesting and it has been turned into a play, a monologue stage play particularly performed by youngsters, fellow millenials like Sam Concepcion and many others. I was reading it bit by bit last Saturday night while waiting for the bleach and hair dye to cook up my hair and do wondrous things with it...not-wondrous things happened but I just means that I still need to work hard in getting a lighter color from here on out with mostly hair bleach. Haha.

I've only read 2-3 pieces off of it yet including its foreword and I could tell it's a book to have for those who want to understand the kind of world the millenials are dealing with and living in at this time and to have for millenials to consider as their bible. People of the classical, traditional world and thought will likely find it amusingly different or maybe, to the extremes, hate it but it's worth having just so anyone can fit in the world of millenials, rather one dominated by millenials.

Which No Filter book is it? I meant this one, the two on the photo above. It's actually a pretty good bok although the art in it is too much to my eyes. Contents wise...I like it. Art-wise, as a child of the minimalist thought, it could've been done better. 0/10, I wouldn't keep that in my very obvious, visual bookshelf in the room whose contents I still need to fix, by the way. If you want it for the contents and the arts (photography, etc), it's available in National Bookstore at about 295 Php or something.

I wouldn't really call it my bible though, I think, as I'm a mixture of things millenial and not. I do fit in with the millenials but sometimes, I find myself not fitting in well with them. I'm...I don't know...I think the best thing to describe me would be as "a child of pop culture." I'm also a continuing student of it.
the woes of having a 9-5 job
I've lived off of freelance writing for a while now and granted I blog a lot more than I use social media, Twitter not-withstanding (although I have been limiting my time spent there either) I think I'd settle more for being a blogger and an online seller of stuff rather than settling for a 9-5 job. Yet, I'm about to go into a 9-5 job thing anyway, later. Or at least try it. I didn't push through going to the online tutoring services office last Friday just because. I'll go later. It's not really a 9-5 but it's close, it's shifting so it's still quite the same thing more or less.

I don't know what it is about 9-5s that repulse me. It's been the case since I started freelance writing and sometimes, tutoring among others. Freelancing is more my thing, I guess. It gives me freedom to do whatever in my spare time. I don't think full time professionalism is my thing since I'm pretty anti-establishment. My ideal job would likely be somewhere in the fashion industry and/or the music industry. Business...if I had my own, pretty much, yes. Or I guess so anyway. I haven't decided if business is for me but Entrepreneurial stuff, most likely, I'd go for that. I'm not into mainstream corporations that much and ceased really liking them and their products unless they're the general ones I need and I can't find any organic and stuff alternative. Teaching...if I were to do university teaching as I am supposed to, I'd just go part time. I'm not really full-time teacher material nor do I think I am teacher material at all...I'm not a good role model and never deemed myself to be so. If there's anything I'd like to inspire people to do, it's to be themselves or be radically different because I'm a strong advocate of personal freedom or the freedom of personal, individual expression. I'm not a fan of bureaucracies and hierarchies for one and power in business and the corporate world has never been something I'm interested in.

Although I don't like hierarchies, I do respect people of power...just some. If they're using it---their power---well, then good, but if they're not doing anything good with that at all, then their existence mean very little to me. If there's anything I really hate, though, it's uniformity and the corporate world is really big on that for me. Their style of doing things is pretty oppressive in my opinion. Google, I read somewhere online, is treating their workers better, allowing them to expres themselves freely in whatsoever. I think professionalism is something that needs to be thrown out the window these days, it hardly matters anymore anyway. Those who stay in that mindset are, I feel getting behind the quickly moving forward/advancing world that does so at a very stylish pace. I think you can be a professional in the way you work and act but other things, nah. I'd really rather people were given the option to retain their individuality in other things while still getting along with their clients etc, or still able to provide the right services as well as treat others as equal like themelves and their peers.

A ton of things in 9-5s, the corporate industry/world, financing businesses and so on are pretty...restricting. And it's not like the jobs are interesting or something to that's...pretty soulless once you get in there it's bound to devastate anyone with a creative mind and soul and such that crave for freedom of self-expression.

I guess there really are just people like me and then there are a lot of those that aren't. The former is pretty rare.

I'm a live and let live type who doesn't even have half the mind to settle down and have a family whatsoever. Kind of funny people keep pushing me that way when that's not what I want. Everyone expects that of me, I don't, however. I'm too deep and radical and free a thinker to settle for the simple life everyone expects me to have.

Almost everyday, almost all the time, it's the same questions: have you ever considered applying for a corporate job? (nope, no thanks) when are you going to get married? (either probably never or some other...when I'm 40, maybe... but even that is pretty suspect. haha) have you ever considered having kids? (probably I'll adopt one but I'm leaning towards just staying childfree, single mother, married parent or some other, I'd make a pretty shitty parent to a kid...) Like...please, stop asking, those questions are pretty unnerving/annoying. You'd probably be the first to know via this blog when some of those happen anyway but it's likely they're not going to.

Either way, moving on, I'm still likely going to check out that office-based online tutoring job offer. I just hope I have enough time, should I get it, for off duty things I want to do in my own free time should I get the job. This isn't really something I'm into but we'll see...

I'm still working on keeping the main fashion and lifestyle blog up by this week onwards. That is, among other things. I have a few ther things to do as well so it's pretty much time to get busy today. Got up at 3 a.m. this morning but it's largely because I slept at 7 or near 8 in the evening last night. I know, it's wayy too early but I wanted to avoid something last night. Haha. It's family related so I'm not divulging that one here.

So until the next post? I'll try to be as constant and random here as I can be possible, checking in from time to time and actually posting.


It seems Atsuki-bae is getting busier with stage plays/butai lately. He's just been offered another one after Anecdote of Mermaid with Catmint with 2 other a-X's members: Masaki and Akari. He seems to have been the only one to get the offer. It's cool~ Yay~ Yes~ Get it! Come to think of it, a lot of my Avex biases are getting really busy nowadays with acting stuff. Akira has Cheerboys which I really want to see and it's not being staged until next year. /cries. I guess, I'm also checking out his other play that just ended, Bleach Rock Musical even if I'm not much of a Bleach fan, manga, anime or otherwise. (I like Orihime but that's it...I suppose. I still feel like Bleach is a rip off of Togashi-sensei's pretty prolific Yu Yu Hakusho and Naruto from the beginning is a Hunter x Hunter ripoff but...yeah...well...) That's about it, I guess. Oh, Nakayama Yuki from SOLIDEMO is in a stage play, too. Not sure exactly what the title is but it looks like it's something about a boyband of some sort or close to it. Haha. I don't really know either. Things are looking up for Avex people on this end, yay. :D

Being blah is a constant, everyday feeling, in my opinion. I'm not sorry I'm not being my cheery self, I've never been for quite awhile so that's just me being me.

new group to stan: a-X's (アクロス), where i've been and what i've been up to there, and life in general

I was supposed to be due back here a few days ago or so but you know, real life stuff and the personal issues with them. Had a few posts drawn up but nothing was posted ultimately but there are a few updates at popculture-etc, including a really long pimp post on the newest coed group from Avex I stan, a-X's (pronounced as 'acros', katakana: アクロス) and the new bias from there, Atsuki (敦貴). Instead of doing a second pimp post to this group here which I find redundant since I've already made one recently in the regular fangirling tumblr blog, I'll just link you to the post to it here: shiny new bias and everything a-X's.

There's really not much else I can share about this group except that, yeah, while I was watching AAA's Fuji-Q Highland concert earlier this week, I noticed they had three a-X's members in the entourage there: Masaki, Airi and Akari. They were playing flag bearers apparently. The AAA Fuji-Q Highland special concert for the group's 10th anniversary celebration was the best concert from them I've watched in a long time. The sets they had there were really topnotch. :D Granted Gold Symphony was one excellent record, this was a given. It reminds me of the earlier concerts they've had from the first three years they were active, 2005-2007 or 2008, the Attack, All and Around album years. AAA is really finally back from producing high quality Jpop music from the 3-year-long lull with Komuro Tetsuya helming their music after their good first three years in Japanese showbusiness.

Feel free to stalk them on their individual twitter accounts, communal instagram account and their website. For these, you can go to the pimp post for the links. They just discontinued their blog on ameblo early this month...unfortunately. But Akari's last entry was pretty sweet and they haven't really deleted the thing.

I'm still, at this time, holding out to the notion that a-X's isn't really final yet and they may re-group one day to smaller number of people per unit. 10 people in one group is way too much for even me to take. This is mostly because I'd really like Atsuki to be given a proper debut like they did with Hibiki, Sato Yusuke and lol (エルオーエル). That one was a proper debut because they came out with a CD single from the get-go even if one of the tracks there was a tie-in with a dance anime. As for the 10-people in one group being difficult to take for me, I don't know much about their other new fans on this. And speaking of new fans, I am so thrilled that there are more people attending ANation this year not just for AAA who is arguably the agency's biggest act so far. lol (エルオーエル) brought in their new hauls this year making ANation an even bigger, more fun event. I'm basing all these from the tweets from people I've been reading about it being their first time this year to go to ANation. Yes, baes <3 Keep on raking in new fans and make Anation a bigger event than before~
Lol. My last post here was, what? January still, this year? That's a long months' worth of non-posting/hiatus. It's really not surprising seeing as real life is taking most of my time at the moment. On the upside, yes! There's stable internet here at home already. Yay~ I don't have to go elsewhere to find internet connection. Lol. Or load the wifi device with credits. We had to cut off our old phone line too because the internet connection came with a phone in a bundle. It's much more convenient, by the by, to be paying for the internet connection and the landline phone in one piece of sorts. The internet here is fast so it's cool. I should be able to do more stuff later with it. Namely, continue my aborted plans of...stuff, due to sucky internet connections in the past.

What have I been up to lately? Travelling, a ton of it and hanging out with the family/relatives coming in from overseas, the world over. Last week and the week before was Mangagoy in Surigao del Norte, the uncle's farm there which was an awesome place by the way---there's no signal for the phones and internet there but it's a great place to sleep and relax in and just do whatever in, Enchanted River part two (I've already been there last year along with a trip to the Britania islands and the Tinuy-an Falls) and that really nice strip of island next to Hagonoy Island. I wasn't able to get good pictures for some reason. Oh, my aunt and I also got to swim with the stingrays, a couple of them, in a fish pen after a quick boating with the ones at Enchanted River. The aunt didn't like swimming in Enchanted River because it looked dirty. I wouldn't really bother swimming there either, to be honest. The two times I were there, I never swam there, just people-watched.

Other travels...I've gone from home, here, to Jasaan in like...the span of two or three days or so. Both times, I stayed at the grandparents' house and the maternal family side's default family vacation house just to pour over a few good, vintage Precious Romance books (the old ones are the ones I like best...not so much the newly released ones but I hardly check those in National Bookstore, the Booksale and a few others anyway -.-). The first night in, we went to check out what's the latest at Araw ng Jasaan, the local founding festival/fiesta. Almost got henna-ed until I decided otherwise as I couldn't find anything print/tattoo pattern I was really attracted to. I did find a couple of hats I wanted from a thrift store/stall but never managed to get them for some reason. Oh and a white dress I didn't bother getting either. I missed to get those for good later on because the aunt and I ran out of money as we gave the lot of them, what we'd had left, to the grandfather's workers in Natubo. We did get to eat and drink a lot of coconut and coconut water so it was a win-win thing, still. The days and nights spent in Jasaan were pretty insane so I didn't have time to do anythng else. Then again, so were the days spent in Mangagoy.

10/10, I'd like to do whatever in those places again one day soon. The islands, and even Mindanao as it is a huge island itself, never really grows old. It's still so much fun living here. So much hiking, so much walking, running and just about every form of water body you can find everywhere. There's a river bend at the uncle's farm a few mintues away from the city center of Mangagoy that should be fun to swim in during the summer or even around the colder months of the year. The water there is just so clear you'd be hardpressed not to take a dip in and I only stopped myself from doing so because I really didn't have any swimming gear on me the time we made it there after a short hike with the uncle and aunt from the former's farm house.

Where would the next travel take me, I wonder? My aunt suggests Canada to visit an uncle there with the cousin (the aunt's daughter) who's based in NYC. I haven't really decided on that one yet.

I think I'd like to travel on my own to Hong Kong again one day since I haven't been there in eons. The last time I was there, I was in 6th grade or 5th grade with the family. I can probably bring a friend or two, my limit is likely just one to two friends. We'll see. Singapore and again, Bangkok is in my to go to list, as well, where Asia travel is concerned. Japan is, of course, but I'm tabling this one for much, much later. Maybe two or three years or so from now. I'm not sure yet. I need to prepare for this one a lot. But yes, Hong Kong definitely is my first international travel on the bucket list to do on my own either this year or the next. It depends on if I'll be able to save a lot. I'd probably end up using my miles accrued from Philippine Airlines for these seeing as I've accrued a ton from international and national travels the past few years. I don't have a Cebu Pacific loyalty card of sorts yet but then again, I don't really use that airline a ton. Dad prefers to travel by PAL when in the country and international airlines when going abroad so, yeah, getting a Cebu Pacific loyalty card for miles accrual seems pointless on this end. Either way, when I do get to travel on my own, I'm bringing the trusty camera among a few others with me.

Ah, reason why there's no travel post on it on the main blog is because I wasn't able to get any decent photos at all. I brought the point and shoot slr with me but I took shots with my phone but I suck so I'm not able to get good ones through that either to post anywhere here. I'll try to compose better photos next time for posts on the main blog on the next travel somehow, among other things. I've been meaning to revive it soon anyhow and maybe really post there regularly now. That is, when I get over whatever rut I'm in at this time. It's been crazy frustrating, life, recently.
My naturally overthinking self is inundated by lots of thoughts leading to a depressive and dark state again today. I hope I survive this day, however, with how I am now. Things have been back to being blah since after the travelling and all. It's back to fighting inner demons for me again and trying to combat social anxiety and depression on my own since I'm not officially diagnosed. I need to be somehow as it's been going on for ages now. It used to be on/off, I'm admittedly a seasonal depressive someone. I don't really like the rainy season but it's taken the turn for the worst this past year or two or so recently. I just have zero motivation to do all, and when I try to get myself up, something always ends up shooting me, my esteem and especially my drive down.

I'm also not fond of people so it may have exacerbated the now-frequent bouts of social anxiety. My dad might have had a brush with depression numerous times in his patients' cases but not social anxiety. I'm actually an introvert (INTJ according to the personality test I took online) so it's likely the root cause of severe social anxiety at this time. I can only tolerate family and some close friends at this time. Others...and I get a mental breakdown. I can't even spend a long time in the mall anymore unless I were there to just watch a movie (on my own or with a good friend) or to purchase something I need from the grocery store or somewhere else. I used to like people watching. I think I still do but I haven't done this one in a while now.

Social anxiety + Depression is a pretty heavy thing to deal with just on my own and no therapist or expert on hand to help me get a good handle on them. I like to think I don't really mind though, not seeing a therapist or going into therapy because as an introvert and a seasonal depressive, I just might be able to follow the examples of those who've gotten their depression and social anxiety on their own one day. I've been researching about it and have found that changing lifestyles help. I'm still struggling with that until now as I haven't been exercising regularly/daily either. I don't think I'd want to be prescribed anti-depressants either. I'm already messed up hormones-wise as I've been through some operations here and there, tonsillectomy and dental corrective stuff among others, so I think anti-depressants might just worsen my condition rather than help me out with that.

The parents haven't given up on me yet which is good but I really wish they could just, a. leave me alone to this and b. let me recover at my own pace little by little rather than getting me to shock my system with huge decisions being thrust into me here and there. Ugh, I'm giving myself a headache again like yesterday's. I had stuff planned or something today but I'm getting discouraged again to do things.

Despite 0 motivation and drive, I'm still pretty much functioning and although the thought of death has crossed my mind, I'm not suicidal. I don't really like pain and blood either, rather I'm afraid of both. The thing is, I'm just still an empty shell and were it not for fandom, family and the occasional travel, I probably would have already offed myself long ago.

The happy go lucky, cheery self I show outside to people? It's a deceptive mask. It's something I've mastered over the years. I suspect the kindness is the same. I've been a cruel and manipulative person deep inside since time immemorial who's also prone to judging people mentally by whatever they do and act as/like. I just don't voice out my opinion of people much on this. Also, I have pretty radical thoughts/views closed off to the rest of the world/close minded, traditional people will be shocked to find so should I speak them out. I only now get along with people on the surface recently and don't like it when they try to dig deeper into me, myself and I. Not a lot has tried though, so that's a good thing.

I'm still the what you get is what you see on the outside type but a darker, more somber version of my sunny cheery long ago self, I suppose. The lack of stuff is the problem people have in me---they don't understand it, including my parents but that's all there really is, the lack of stuff (motivation, drive, etc). I'm not a problem child in other aspects, for one, I'm not a wild partier although I listen to EDM a lot these days. Deep house and tropical house especially. I'm not really a druggie either. I don't take illegal drugs, never have never will. I don't even drink a lot of the usual medicine for flu, colds, cough, fever and the likes. I was a one-time alcoholic but that was a couple of years towards the end of college and even I was hush-hush and cool, calm and controlled around it. I don't smoke either. I think I'm just...I don't know. Bullish about getting my way that when I didn't get it or them, I got depressed? Not saying I'm a perfectionist, I'm just determined or used to be anyway.

It's just more that...there's a huge gaping hole in me that just can't be covered by anything and my zest for all the things I've been interested in, in the past has been killed off. The past year or two, I found that I just don't find the things I used to find enjoyable, interesting and stuff, enjoyable and interesting anymore. There are sparks here and there but nothing permanent, they die out too easily. That's what I'm trying to get back little by little but many are killing it by applying more pressure and push onto me from everywhere, the abroad and the locale, both.

One remedy I tried a while ago was setting a routine up for myself. I slept early, woke up early, exercised, did some house chores and back again but somewhere along the way, I relapsed. I was on track and something made me relapse. It might have been people, my parents especially my mom and now my dad can be downers at times. I don't really want to relapse anymore but I keep doing so anyway. More than anything, I actually pity myself as my parents repeatedly said they do and that's what keeps me stuck here. There is just that endless cycle of trying to get back up and getting shot down I don't think I'll be able to get out of this rut soon and I want to be out there again much. I willpower seems at the lowest at this time.

Before this goes any further today, I might as well have to see what I can do about myself today. I've been meaning to clean the room and I'll do that this morning before going out to try and apply for this one online tutoring job. I'm still all anxious nerves but I'll play it cool somehow...I think. I've always wanted a change in pace anyway. Freelance writing online, home-based was the one thing after Nursing college that drove me down here anyway. I don't think I can ever busify myself again with writing for anyone unless it were me working so in an office on a daily basis. The problem there, however, is that I don't think I can ever be stuck into a soulless job for so long again. Sadly, writing and teaching english are probably the only two things I'm good at in this life I can do something out of aside from fangirling/flailing and being a beach bum and stuff.

I know I still do love blogging and fashion or personal style so I'll get back to that one day when my drive and motivation is back...somehow. I've been amassing a few things lately from the occasional online shopping---I don't do physical shopping much anymore unless it were in a thrift store or something else like urgent needs---that needs documenting, I think. But even my shopping has dwindled down. It's not like my fashion choices have been interesting recently anyway. (Unfortunately for mum, I don't think I can ever really power dress anywhere as a teacher whatsoever...professional dressing isn't really my forte no matter how much I love clothes and stuff.) It may have been but not really. I'm still the most boring, casual dresser there is out there. Were it not for my basics mixing and matching skills, I'd probably not be considered a fashionista at all. It doesn't really help much that the mum isn't at all happy at my fashion choices. It just makes things all the more depressive for me on that end. She's even critical of my diet and all. :|

I need my fuck it and them all to hell and back attitude back but I don't seem to find anything helpful to bring it back yet. People still manage to kill that sense in me however much I'd like to get on with life starting with that...ideology, sense, whatsoever.

This entry is getting longer just talking about 0 motivation, drive and depressed and socially anxious me. I might as well distract myself with stuff to do now lest I want to spiral down again. I'll do that walk-in application for the tutoring job this afternoon then even when I think it's not the right time for me to do so. It's not that I'm not ready, it's more that I really need to take things slow. This is not taking things slow and most likely will not give me back my drive back. Jobs like this, especially that it's tutoring, are pretty...well...shackling to everything I've been trying to avoid: dress codes, people (primarily the bullshitting judgemental types I hate), company policies. I don't really deal with authority well but it seems, for the sake of survival, I might have to. I am actually pretty anti-establishment as a creative that's currently highly repressed because establishment and this mad traditional locale devoid of innovation that it doesn't even allow for self-expression-free work environments dictates on me to conforme and stay repressed. It doesn't really help at all when deep inside all you want is to deviate as you're basically a boring person anyway. I won't voice it out but I would just mull over it anyway, overthink and depress myself about it. Well, I'm just bound to depress myself all over again after this. I sincerely hope not.

Well, we'll see how this day goes.

I have zero ideas when I can post again. Maybe one day soon. We'll see with this as well.


two zero one six

I haven't been around lately, sorry. I guess I'd been busy with certain things...primarily spending most of December 2015 until the 2nd of January in between Long Beach, California, LA and Burbank and mostly camped in cars for hikes with people (the family and some friends) and stuff.

Anyway...YES! 2016. I rang it with the family fine and here's to hoping everything is good this year until the next. Here's to another year Haha.

What have I been up to lately...? A girl friend, one of many, helped me get this Start Journal from the local Bo's Cafe/Coffee House.

Upon getting it and owning it for just a night tops for now, I've devolved into someone using ballpoint pens and finepoint signpens to color the pages...including pencils. Yes.

I'm primarily a doodler/writer...not necessarily obsessed with coloring books but thanks anyway for making me realize I cannot color and think in color to save my life. Life in colors? Nah...contrary to what others may think...I'm super monotone. It's a sad life I live---black, grey, white is my official lifetime palette.

Also, apparently, I'm invested in putting anything re: fandom in the thing. Da-iCE will infest anything I have, it seems. So much for them advocating love of what's local. Don't worry, I still love Bo's as equally as the other cafes...I just...probably still prefer Coffee Bean more. This one good bff is just making me spend more time in Bo's more than any other cafes recently just because...but I'm fine with it. And I never was able to get the CBTL Giving Journal I've been aiming to get for forever now. It's all thanks to the December USA trip. ;^; But this is a decent alternative although it is too flowery for my taste on the cover... Moleskins are too expensive for me so I settled for this notebook. :\ Didn't think about getting something similar, with a minimal cover design from National Bookstore like I did with last year's pocket sized planner so...

Daiso is awesome not only for the notebook but for the rubber stamps as well. I use it to mark dates on the diy planner every now and then. Of course, I have other rubber stamps as well. I might just have become addicted to them lately. That and stickers. I'd decorate the planner, organizer, journal and all in one with them and probably some photos I'd get printed out. I still need an instax mini. But yay for a non-boring planner this year. :D Here's to hoping I don't forget it exists because I tend to ignore planners after the quarter of the year is done or so. This is why I never buy the pre-templated planners like Belle De Jour anymore. Aside from them being too expensive (I'm cheapie and practical so I'd rather go for a 100-200+ National Bookstore brand, possibly Stradmore planner over those fancy ones Rappler just ennumerated in one article that cost up to 1000+), they never really seem to fit my tastes and needs. A planner is a planner, there's no need to go for something bigger unless it was something like the one from Bo's a friend who's a fan of Bo's helped me with. That Start Journal feels more like a tedious activitiy book than anything like a proper journal. If it was filled with just blank pages, I would have been happier or if it was a writing and thinking journal instead. :\ I love visual art, like coloring, charcoaling and stuff but at this time, I can only think in monotones. It's a sad, bleak life.

More creative projects? I don't really know yet, those are the only things I'm doing these days. I'll keep updating the main blog this time, however, so keep an eye out. Seeing as I have really limited internet connection nowadays. I'm frequently not online because loading 100 Php for the 7-day flexitime prepaid package is a pain when regularly done so, so yes, I've been mighty scarce even more. Internet in airports in other countries I've been to is better than this. Surfmax is just one huge disappointment at this time. :\

Bonus few things...

Having the US planes (we went by Delta Airlines) have international transfers at Narita Airport in Tokyo is a wondrous thing. I'm just berating myself until now why I never hauled anything from the pharmacy by our gate I went to where I got the magazines from. And still, no Junon so *cry* Also, that's totally Kanjani8 on Cancam's cover. I've become less of a fan from the last time I enjoyed this one show of theirs. I just picked up that one for its contents. I'm still an eternal Vivi stan however. The keychain is the only bit of Japan that's indestructible and can last a long time that I was able to get from the souvenir shop at the said airport. Oh and I'm still holding out for the right occasion to use that Peanuts Sweet(?) x Ungrid tote that came with the Sweet magazine. It seems I still have one too many totes from aunts and cousins I haven't been using much lately. The strawberry printed one is still my favorite all around tote among most of those.

It's a trip to the US. I just had to stock up on stuff. I'm pretty much all set for the rest of 2016. But I'd probably get some Boots/No7 or Yes to Blueberries etc packs of towelettes next time when the VS Pink pack runs out. They're highly useful when you're on the run most of the time. Also, when you're too lazy to wash your face at night. Most of the face serums and stuff are organic and free of sulfates and parbens, yes. Indeed I'm pretty much set for the rest of 2016.

And belated happy new year to y'all. :)